"My Father's Hero"

In honor of the humor of W.C. Feilds.

Quotes -

It reminds my of my safari in Africa; somebody forgot the corkscrew and for days we had nothing to live on except food and water.

A woman drove me to drink, I never even wrote to thank her.

A man has to believe in something... I believe I'll have another drink.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

I quit drinking once it was the worst afternoon of my life.

Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

Say anything that you like about me, exept that I drink water.

(When asked why he never drank water) "Fish xxz!!ck in it."

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!

Anyone who hates small dogs and children can't be all bad.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Yes I do like children... Girl children... about eighteen or twenty.

Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

(When caught reading the bible ) I was just looking for loop holes.

(Fields' proposed epitaph:) "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."